


Let Me Count The Ways

by Jackdaw816



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, DC Comics References, Drabble, Drabble Collection, Fix-It, Immortal Ianto Jones, Literary References & Allusions, M/M, Series 03 Fix-It: Children of Earth (Torchwood)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:41:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25315462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jackdaw816/pseuds/Jackdaw816
Summary: Ianto Jones deserves immortality. And there are many ways for him to receive it
Relationships: Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones
Comments: 8
Kudos: 63





	Let Me Count The Ways

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by me playing Pokemon. No joke. Have 25 different ways Ianto could become immortal ranging from realistic to only the finest of crack in random order
> 
> Thanks to [Nik](https://archiveofourown.org/users/princessoftheworlds) for letting me ramble and also being a fantastic beta!

_** I ** _

Ianto was chasing after a Weevil when Tosh shouted in his ear about a Rift spike just ahead of him. He fell through the Rift and landed in Jack’s arms.

“Woah! Where’d you come from, beautiful?” Ianto blinked up at a familiar face. And yet he was so different. This Jack, Ianto realized, was mortal. But not for long.

“Exterminate!” The Dalek blasted them both. They gasped back to life together. Ianto followed loyally as Jack chased the sound of the TARDIS. Jack turned his gaze back on Ianto.

“This is definitely a paradox,” Ianto mumbled, then kissed Jack anyway.

**_ II _ **

“Jack, he’s moving!” Gwen’s voice was panicked but relieved. Ianto couldn’t blame her; he thought he was a goner too. The body bag was unzipped, and Ianto sat up. Jack hugged him, then seemed to think better of it and pulled back. 

“Is that really you?” Jack asked cautiously, aiming his gun. Ianto frowned.

“Of course it’s me,” he said, waving his hand dismissively. The gun went flying out of Jack’s hand. Gwen let out a gasp.

“Ianto, your eyes are glowing!” Jack nodded in agreement. Ianto looked down at himself. He felt different. Good different.

“Well, it’s mostly me.”

**_ III _ **

“Jack, I need to tell you something,” Ianto said, shame running through him like ice. Jack grinned.

“What is it?” he asked.

“I’m not who you think I am. Ianto Jones died years ago, at Canary Wharf,” Ianto said. Jack stiffened and pulled away.

“You’re a Cyberman?” Jack asked, fumbling for his gun. Ianto shook his head.

“I was Lisa Hallett, but her vessel was damaged beyond repair. I took her lover to try and fix her, but it was too late. He’s gone now too. It’s only me.” Jack gaped in shock. Ianto’s eyes turned black. “I am Cythraul.”

 **_ IV _ **

“Why are you here?” Jack spat, not even bothering to look at his ex. “Have you no shame?”

“Nah, but who needs it?” John remarked. “I’m here to bring you a gift. Maybe this’ll make you stop moping.”

“I don’t want anything you have to offer,” Jack said coldly.

“Jack?” Jack whipped around to see Ianto standing there, alive and well. 

“How?” Jack asked. John tapped the back of Ianto’s neck.

“Immortality charge, programmed for human use. It’s good for thousands of years, maybe more.” John kissed Jack chastely, then whispered in his ear. “You can pay me back later.”

 **_ V _ **

“But you don’t sparkle,” Owen pointed out. Ianto sighed.

“Brilliant observation. Hardly anything in those books is accurate.” 

“You drink blood?” Gwen asked, pulling up her collar in what she thought was a discreet gesture.

“Occasionally. It’s part of the curse,” Ianto admitted. Jack slung his arm over Ianto’s shoulders.

“We make it work. I’ve got plenty of blood to spare,” Jack said. Ianto looked more uncomfortable in Jack’s embrace than he had from the revelation of his secret.

“And you’ll live forever?” Tosh asked quietly. Ianto nodded and smirked, showing sharp fangs.

“At least I’ll be in good company.”

**_ VI _ **

Ianto chased the thug down the catwalk, eying the vats of chemicals nervously. Of course, UNIT had to keep a warehouse in Cardiff. _Of course_ , they couldn’t be arsed to fend off their own intruders. 

He rounded a corner and ran right into the ringleader’s fist. Another blow sent him over the rail and into a boiling alien substance.

“There’s no way he’s still alive,” Owen protested as Jack prepared to dive in himself. Ianto proved him wrong by levitating out of the vat, hair bone-white and eyes red as rubies.

“Jack,” he rasped, then collapsed in his lover’s arms.

**_ VII _ **

“I made them mad when I was a child,” Ianto whispered the night after Jasmine was taken. “They cursed me.”

“Who curses a kid?” Jack asked, voice cold and furious.

“It’s my fault. I didn’t respect them.” Jack held him tighter.

“You were a child! Just like their Chosen One.” A moment or two passed in tense silence. “What did they do?” 

“Condemned me to walk the Earth until it dies. Effectively immortal.” Ianto sighed and pulled away. “The worst part is I can’t expect anyone else to understand.” Jack couldn’t help but grin.

“I have something to tell you.”

**_ VIII _ **

“Ianto, it’s time. Please,” Jack begged. Ianto waved a gnarled hand.

“I can go longer without,” he protested. Jack shot him a look he’d perfected over the last thousand years, and Ianto sighed. “Fine. Only for you.” Two hours later, Jack hauled a death-row criminal in front of him, mask obscuring their face. 

“You should get sixty years off of this one,” Jack said. Ianto nodded and stepped forward. He placed his hands on their head, and they started to scream. Ianto went from ninety to thirty in a manner of seconds, and the new corpse fell with a thud.

**_ IX _ **

“I gotta say, this is a new one,” Ianto remarked, looking at the opalescent fish in front of him. It was smiling, as much as a fish could smile. 

“So, what do we do with it?” Gwen asked, peering over Ianto’s shoulder. Jack shrugged.

“Fish and chips?” The fish jumped out of the water and sprayed him in the face. Gwen and Ianto laughed as Jack sputtered.

“We’ve got that fish tank downstairs; we’ll keep it there, then send it back through the Rift if we get a chance,” Ianto said. The fish started to glow, and so did Ianto.

**_ X _ **

“You haven’t aged a day since we met,” Jack said accusingly. Ianto looked at Jack’s reflection in the mirror and smirked.

“Thank you for the compliment.” Jack grabbed his shoulder and pulled him around.

“You literally haven’t aged a day since we’ve met. It’s been years, and you still look like you’re in your early twenties.”

“I age well.” 

“That’s my excuse,” Jack scoffed. “So, who or what are you?”

“I’m Ianto,” he said as if talking to a small child. Jack leaned in.

“Then tell me what’s in that side room you keep locked.” Ianto grinned.

“I’ll show you.”

**_ XI _ **

“Don’t leave me, please. Please don’t,” Jack begged, then pressed a final kiss to Ianto’s still lips. He thought he felt something, some tingling of life, and he begged to a god he didn’t believe in. Then he was dead, and he thought no more.

Jack gasped back to life, and so did Ianto. They stared at each other in silence for a few all-consuming seconds. Then Gwen pulled Ianto into a hug, and Jack pulled them both into a hug. At least two of them were crying, but that was alright because there was a third to cry about.

**_ XII _ **

“I was told I would be meeting with Captain Harkness,” the dealer said impatiently. Ianto resisted the urge to snap at him. It would get them nowhere.

“My husband is busy, so he asked me to deal with your inquiries,” Ianto said. The dealer scoffed but didn’t protest further. Ianto led him deeper into the house, past their son’s bedroom. He opened the door to the study, then found himself pushed up against it.

“My regards to the captain,” he spat, then slit Ianto’s throat. Three minutes later, a new Ianto had awoken and set out to evict his murderer.

**_ XIII _ **

“There’s a face in my sandwich,” Ianto said, showing the bread to Owen, his reluctant stakeout partner. Owen rolled his eyes.

“Get that out of my face, mate, or I’m going to eat it.” Ianto pulled the sandwich back.

“You already had your own,” Ianto scolded, peering closer. “It looks a little like Jesus.”

“Good thing we’re all atheists then,” Owen said dryly. Ianto shrugged and took a bite. There was movement by the warehouse door, and the sandwich was forgotten. They never found a good explanation as to how Ianto took a bullet to the heart and walked away.

**_ XIV _ **

Of all the things Ianto expected to find on his return trip to the Beacons, a giant purple-black dragon was very low on the list. Why couldn’t he have gotten attacked by a proper Welsh dragon? 

“Could you kill me or go away, please?” Ianto called, futilely. “Jack’ll be mad. We don’t have room for you.” The dragon seemed to almost consider his request. It raised a talon, and Ianto flinched. But it laid it gently on Ianto’s head and roared what almost seemed like words. Then it flew away, and Ianto let it go. What else could he do?

**_ XV _ **

“Jack!” Ianto called, hopelessly, seconds before a Weevil ripped his throat out. Jack swore, shot the Weevil, then picked up Ianto’s crumpled form. 

“You’re getting reckless,” Jack scolded during the short drive back to the Hub. “What if one time it doesn’t work?” Ianto, being dead, did not respond. Jack parked haphazardly, then carried Ianto down far too many flights of stairs. Gwen was waiting for him, and she’d prepared the pit. He laid Ianto in the bubbling green ooze, then waited nervously. Ianto shot up with a shout, one hand going to his neck. Jack grinned. Still got it.

**_ XVI _ **

“There are others like you?” Ianto asked once the strange American family had left. Jack made a so-so gesture.

“They weren’t made immortal in the same way, but I gotta say, they’re some of the closest I’ve seen,” Jack said, his mind racing.

“They left me a gift,” Ianto said, reaching inside his jacket. “They said this is what made them immortal.” Ianto smiled nervously. “They thought you might like company.” Jack watched, wide-eyed, as Ianto uncorked the small bottle of spring water.

“I won’t. Unless you want me?” Ianto asked. Jack hesitated only a second before nodding. Ianto drank.

**_ XVII _ **

“How old are you?” Ianto asked when they managed to steal a moment alone. Jack counted on his fingers for a moment before giving up.

“Over 150, I think,” he said. “My chronological and biological ages got thrown out of wack long before I became immortal.” Ianto smirked sadly.

“Such an age gap.” 

“If that’s a problem-”

“No,” Ianto said dismissively. “Everyone’s younger than me.” 

“Younger than you?”

Ianto nodded.

“I’m tens of thousands of years old.” Looking into his eyes, Jack believed him.

“How?” Jack asked, tracing a hand along Ianto’s unmarked face.

“Meteorite radiation. Great for the skin.”

**_ XVIII _ **

“This makes the top ten on the weirdest shit list,” Owen said, staring at the golden armor that had come through the Rift, undamaged, with no one inside it.

“Nope, top five,” Jack said, picking up the helmet and setting it on Owen’s head. Jack helped Tosh put on the chest plate, then passed the right gauntlet to Gwen. The armor was too big, but it shrunk to fit them. Jack put the left gauntlet on Ianto, then beamed.

“Congratulations! As long as you wear this armor, you won’t die or age,” Jack announced. Owen swore, muffled by the helmet.

**_ XIX _ **

Ianto swore as claws raked down his arm. He couldn’t feel it, of course, but this was a new droid. Bullets punched through the creature on top of him, and Ianto sighed.

“You couldn’t have done that before it clawed me to pieces?” Ianto scolded gently, letting Jack pull him up. 

“It’s nothing the mechanic can’t fix,” Jack reassured.

“We just had to take this job. No coffee, but plenty of wild beasts,” Ianto complained. He missed coffee even though he could no longer taste it.

“Hundreds of years and dozens of bodies, you’re still my Ianto,” Jack said fondly.

**_ XX _ **

“I take it all back. But not him!” Jack shouted. To his surprise, instead of collapsing, Ianto started to glow.

“Jack, what’s happening?” Ianto asked, looking at his hands in fear, the 456 forgotten. Jack was equally shocked.

“I think you’re regenerating? But you’re human,” Jack said, baffled. Ianto smiled quietly. 

“I guess not.” Then he screamed, light encasing him and sending the 456 cowering. Jack had to cover his eyes. Then it was over, quiet but for the alarms. Jack looked cautiously. Ianto stood there, alive, but not quite the same Ianto anymore.

“Hello, Jack,” Ianto said, thankfully still Welsh.

**_ XXI  
_ **

“I found this in the Archives,” Ianto said. Jack looked at the necklace wrapped around Ianto’s hand, a silver chain with a deep red gem. Jack tried to take it; Ianto pulled it out of his reach. “And I learned something very interesting about it.” He fastened it around his neck, then before Jack could stop him, he pulled a knife and stabbed his palm.

“What the-” 

There was no blood. The knife hadn’t broken the skin, in fact, the metal had crumpled. Jack took Ianto’s hand and rubbed his thumb over his palm.

“It was filed under Flamel.”

**_ XXII _ **

When Ianto heard the TARDIS, he flinched. He really didn’t need to lose Jack again. Ianto turned toward the noise and came face to face with a blonde woman. She grabbed his wrist and dragged him into the TARDIS.

“Sorry about this, but no time to explain now!” she apologized. Ianto looked around; huh, bigger on the inside. She started to fuss with the console. “Big world-ending explosion if I can’t restore the balance.”

“The balance of what?” Ianto asked but was ignored. She flung a panel open, and what he could only describe as glowing golden dust surrounded him.

**_ XXIII _ **

Jack left Vera’s memorial with a heavy heart. Jack shuddered to think of her death. Burnt alive, one of the worst ways to go. Ianto took his hand, and Jack calmed down. At least he still had Ianto. Esther and Gwen and even Rex were still alive.

Rex got a message revealing the mole, and then the next minute was a blur. Jack begged Ianto not to leave him, but it was too late. Ianto was dead. And then he wasn’t.

“That’s impossible,” Jack said, but that didn’t stop him from taking Ianto into his arms and not letting go.

**_ XXIV _ **

Ianto was used to the pull of the bond on his heart. What he would never get used to was when it would snap. It wasn’t until he watched Jack fall dead from Owen’s bullets that he realized why it would snap. And it wasn’t until he choked on alien fumes that they realized it went both ways. Eventually, there would be papers written on them, ballads written about them. Their names were lost to time, but their story was as immortal as they were. Jack reveled in the fame, but Ianto always found it silly. He only needed Jack.

**_ XXV _ **

Ianto had always felt an itching under his skin, a fire in his palms. When he was a kid, he thought he was going to be a superhero. Then he grew up and learned better. As an adult, he pretended he was normal. That worked for years. And then he died. 

Time passed. A lot of time. In 2483, there were reports of an explosion in an old Cardiff graveyard. Those who investigated discovered scorch marks for miles and an empty grave of one Ianto Jones at the epicenter. There were also seven sightings of a firebird soaring toward space.

**Author's Note:**

> List of immortality causes:  
> 1\. Satellite Five  
> 2\. God (Mythology)  
> 3\. Demon (SPN)  
> 4\. Mire chip  
> 5\. Vampire  
> 6\. Chemical accident  
> 7\. Fae  
> 8\. Drains youth  
> 9\. Magic alien fish  
> 10\. Dorian Gray  
> 11\. Kiss from Jack  
> 12\. Clones  
> 13\. Jesus food  
> 14\. Magic dragon (WoF)  
> 15\. Lazarus Pit  
> 16\. Tuck Everlasting  
> 17\. Asteroid/Vandal Savage  
> 18\. Magic armor (PR:GS)  
> 19\. Mind in robot  
> 20\. Time Lord  
> 21\. Philosopher's stone  
> 22\. Heart of the TARDIS  
> 23\. The Miracle  
> 24\. Soulbond/soulmates  
> 25\. Phoenix


End file.
